Johnkat Drabbles
by exterminatecake
Summary: Drabbles from written from prompts provided by my Tumblr followers. Completely unproofread and kind of stupid. Some non-explicit porny stuff sometimes, but not too often because I suck at that stuff.
1. Water

**Prompt: In which Karkat does not know how to swim and John has to wade out to save him. Yes, wade.**

**AN: ok, so this is sometime after they all meet up. let's say they still have some traveling on the asteroid to do before they get to the other session they just met up earlier than expected kthxbai.**

* * *

Your name is John Egbert and your normally awesome friendleader buddy is being a pain in the ass.

"Come _on,_ Karkat, it's just a pool!"

He pulls his knees up to his chest and shakes his head vigorously. "No."

You sigh and try to affect your patented ADORABLE POUT with PUPPY EYES.

"No."

"Oh, come on, Jade alchemized this pool just for my birthday!" It cost a lot of grist, too. Luckily Dave still had a crapton of the stuff.

"I don't want to, Egbert. Get that through your drooling excuse of a think-pan, would you?"

You sigh and get out of the pool, pretending to acceed to his wishes.

Then you push him in.

Your PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT rises 50 points!

Just as you start celebrating, though, Karkat starts shrieking and splashing everywhere. "GODDAMNIT JOHN YOU BULGEBITING MORON I CAN'T SWIM!"

"… Karkat?"

"WHAT ARE YOU STANDING THERE FOR, I'M DROWNING YOU-" He trailed off into gargling sounds.

You wade into the water and grab the troll by his armpits. "Karkat. It's up to my knees."

He whimpers and clings to your legs. "Water… very bad. Get me out of the godforsaken hellhole."

"You're hanging onto my legs!"

He buries his face in your knees and whimpers again.

His whimpers sort of make you feel like you want to cuddle him and kiss his nose and protect him from the big bad water.

In a totally palsy, heterosexual way. Obviously.

Sighing, you hoist Karkat into your arms, where he promptly latches his arms around your neck, and slowly carry him over to the side of the pool.

It takes him nearly five minutes to remove his arms from your neck, and three more minutes to get him out of your lap.

Once he finally recoveres, he glares at you. "Never, _ever_ talk about this to anyone. Ever."

You giggle. "It's fine, Karkat, nobody has to know that you're afraid of water!"

He gives you a _you-stupid-human_ look. "No, you idiot, almost every troll is afraid of water, except seadwellers. I'm talking about me acting like a frightened wriggler and clinging onto you."

You turn bright red for absolutely no reason that you can think of. "Right. OK!"

* * *

**AN: haha this sucks I wrote it at like 1 am and what are words**


	2. Video

**Prompt: For a Video assignment in her Media Class, Jade has to make and present a short movie. She decides to follow Karkat and John around for a few days and film them being sweet**

**AN: aaahhh my cuties *^***

**so uh this would be an au? i'm just going to say post-sburb in my lovely headcanon world which somehow merged alternia and earth together.**

* * *

Your name is Jade Harley and you just got a free camera.

You glance at aformentioned video camera, which is in your hand. So many possibilities! You have a camera all to yourself for an entire week, just for this one project.

Obviously, some of that time will be spent editing, but you are _so_ stoked about filming. So. Stoked.

You're not sure if people actually say stoked anymore, but you really like that word. Stoked. Heheh.

The only problem is, you need to choose a theme for your project. Your half-ecto-whatever-brother (you honestly don't even know how you're related anymore), John, is doing some weird thing with interviews about really shitty movies? He says it's a survey or something. Karkat confided in you that, matesprit or no matesprit, if John whips out his camera and starts asking him questions about Con Air _one more time_, he will not be held responsible for the results.

You're not sure what Rose is doing. Dave… well, in all honesty, you don't want to know what Dave is making. At all.

Hmm.

You suddenly perk up. What about a romantic theme? All your friends are in relationships! Well, sort of. You aren't really sure what the deal is with Dave and Terezi. Nobody knows what their deal is. Some things are best left to the imagination.

Rose probably wouldn't take too kindly to you following her around with a camera, and she's in all these fancy advanced classes, anyway. The only class you share with her is AP Physical Science, and her girlfriend isn't even in that one!

So that leaves… hmm.

* * *

You quietly sit down at a table two tables down from John and Karkat's table. Your sort-of-grandpa (who is also kind of your age now for some reason?), Jake, sits next to you and motions towards your camera. "Hullo, Jade! What did you pick for your project?"

You make a shushing motion with your hand and giggle. "I'm doing it on John and Karkat. Now shh, I need to film!"

He shushes and busies himself in his food as John leans over and kisses the tip of Karkat's nose, causing the troll to turn an interesting shade of red and mutter something unintelligable, probably containing the word "idiot."

After the last bell rings, John tackles Karkat outside the school, nuzzling his head into Karkat's chest. The troll yells out a few choice swear words and nearly falls over, but John catches them with the Breeze.

It is the cutest thing you have ever seen in your entire life. Except for that chinchilla in the pet shop. Nothing could ever top that chinchilla.

* * *

Except for the next time you have you camera out.

John and Karkat are cuddling in front of the television. A crappy movie is on, probably something with Mcconaughey. They don't notice you in the doorway, which is definitely a good thing, because they wouldn't be cuddling and nuzzling and just overall being cutie-patooties if they knew they had an audience.

After a minute, John starts to scratch Karkat in the area behind his horns, and Karkat starts to _purr_.

"Get your fucking hand away from my head," he mumbles lazily.

John grins. "Aw, Karkat, you like it."

"No, I don't, you blubbering excuse for a-"

The rest of his sentence was swallowed by a kiss which John planted on his mouth.

You quickly abscond as it turns into a full-on makeout session.

* * *

Lunchtime again. This time, Rose sits with you and is very quiet after you inform her that if you hear _one more_ Freudian theory about you and your brother come out of her mouth, you will inform Dave of the time that she had a dirty dream about him and spent three hours psychoanalyzing herself on Pesterchum with you.

You've been getting much better at making threats lately.

Meanwhile, Karkat is feeding John little bites of chicken, while glancing around surruptitiously to make sure that no-one is watching. John is giggling and occasionally poking his boyfriend, making him jump.

* * *

You follow the pair to the park after school, ducking behind trees and bushes and mailboxes and such.

John and Karkat sit on the swings, holding hands. John gets the not-so-bright to try to swing in tandem, which results in the swings promptly dumping them on the ground in a heap. John laughs until he is out of breath and gives Karkat little eskimo kisses from his position on top of the troll.

"Get off me."

"But it's so comfy here!"

Karkat rolls his eyes. "Get off me, nooksniffer."

"But _Karrr-kaaaat_…"

"What?"

He giggles again. "Did you know I _loooove_ you?"

"What does this even have to do with what we were talking about you half-witted-"

"You're so hypnotizing-"

"John, no, you are _not_ quoting Katy Perry to me in public-"

"Your touch, magnetizing-"

"I swear to God-"

"Leaves my body glowing, they say be afraid-"

"How do you even _know_ this goddamn song well enough to sing it off the top of your head-"

"Different DNA, they don't understand you-"

John was finally shut up with a kiss.

You are sort of glad. You love your brother, but he really can't sing.

* * *

At the bus stop the next day, John keeps squishing Karkat's cheeks together so that his mouth forms a fishy face. Karkat keeps half-heartedly batting his hands away and making threats.

Right before the bus pulls up, he kisses Karkat right on the fishy-lips and gives him the most adorable grin ever.

"Love you."

Karkat mumbled something that sounded sort of like "love you, too," with some random insult thrown in.

* * *

When you sit down at your computer after three days of filming, you realize that you never actually got around to telling John and Karkat what your project is about.

Um… woops!

* * *

**AN: haha, i could write this for hours.**

**holy shit i just realized that this is my first homestuck fanfiction in all of ever. ****wow it sucks.**


	3. Diver 'warning for pornish stuff'

**AN: ok**

**well now**

**this is my first time ever writing something porny (and by the way if you know me in real life then shoo. gtfo. stuff. just don't read this.) and it's short and unproofread and written at 5:30 am after staying up all night for the second night in a row. bleh.**

**don't read it? please?**

* * *

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you are having a PROPER DREAM for the first time in quite a while.

It had come as quite a shock to everyone when Dave announced that either he had a repressed memory of beating Aradia over the head with a pack of ramen noodles, or it was feasible to have proper dreams, even with your dreamself gone. Rose spouted a bunch of jargon which sounded like it meant that this could only happen when you're half-asleep, since full-on sleep always involved either the horrorterrors or a dream bubble, but you don't really care, you're just happy to get away from your doomed selves and dead friends for a while.

Anyway, you're pretty sure that this is a dream, since you can't remember your house having a swimming pool, especially not one twenty feet deep with a living room at the bottom.

You swim around for a few minutes, shying away from the tentacle seaweed that you just _know_ in that weird dream-knowing way is made of Betty Crocker muffin mix, just like you know that this is your house even though it resembles nothing of the kind.

After idly paddling around for a bit, you wonder what you're wearing, and then you wonder why you're wondering that when a more reasonable wonder to wonder would be what you are breathing.

You check anyway. Sweet, it's your God Tier pajamas!

You also notice in a TOTALLY OFFHAND MANNER that you have a boner.

Your dreams are seriously fucked up.

Anyway, you write off that bit of information as irrelevant and continue exploring. This pool seems to go on pretty much indefinitely. You wonder if maybe there's a lost temple or something down here. That would be SO SWEET.

(Your attempts to ignore that boner are not working.)

(That was probably the plan all along. Whatever that means.)

There is something shiny in front of you. You poke it.

Well, that was pointless.

You suddenly become aware of someone else in the pool with you as a pair of grey arms slide around you from the back.

… _Grey?_

It must be Vriska. Yep, it must be. You've had tons of weird dreams about pals before—well, just girls, obviously! (You're totally not into anything else!)

You smother a little noise as teeth graze the sensitive spot between your shoulder and neck. Oh, it's _that_ kind of weird dream.

As you whine a little and lean back against your molester (is it molestation if you're kind of willing and also the person doesn't exist?), you notice a distinct lack of female… chestage.

Uh.

But then it all kind of floats away as whoever-it-is dips their hand below your waistband and _ooh man_ that's nice and is that a panda floating by?

Through your half-lidded eyes, you vaguely observe that the sleeves are _totally_ the wrong color to be Vriska, and you're kind of OK with that and anyway this is just a dream so it's all good.

Those teeth scrape your neck again and you moan and then their mouth is on your neck, kissing lightly and their tongue is circling and _whoa that is very, very good._

Their hand gives you a firm stroke just as they bite down on your neck and then they're licking around the bite marks and you just kind of flail slightly except not really because their arm is around you, their hand making you a squirming mess of nerve ending pudding (which is a really horrible metaphor and kind of gross but you're not exactly in any state to think of a better one) and you suck in a hiss of breath because right _there_, that's good, that's very, very good, and then you suddenly realize _oh crap, that's who they are,_ but for some reason it doesn't turn you off, in fact exactly the opposite, and you finally thrust into his hand (yes, his, and really you shouldn't be OK with that, but it's just a dream), spilling cum down his hand and you wonder why it isn't floating off, but then you realize that you're in your bedroom on the asteroid, not underwater, which would be totally stupid, why would you be underwater?

And there's nobody there, of course.

You wake up, weak and shaking.

You contemplate your now-dirty sheets and completely nonexistent feelings for one KARKAT VANTAS.

Your heart feels heavy, for some reason.

* * *

**AN: haHAHAHA I SUCK**


End file.
